Realization: I'm Ruined

Part Two of Recent Events: DALLAS!

After all the turkey and treats, we JVs settled in for a long winter's nap. But this JV was too excited to sleep- for the first time since late July, she'd see her family the next morning!! It had been so long, the longest in fact, I'd ever gone without seeing my mom and dad! They came to visit me in Ireland sooner than this, so while I have an incredible, amazing new community here in Houston, I was really missing my family.

There's only so much Skype and phone conversations can bring- I was really struggling with feeling so much further away from my parents than I was used to, and a drive to Dallas was all that separated me from them. Woohoo!

I left our house around 10:30, after sadly saying goodbye to the San Antonio JVs, I hit I-45. The drive to Dallas from Houston is about the same mileage as Philadelphia to Providence, with significantly less traffic and higher speed limits. It's actually just significantly LESS in general- once you get out of the Houston Metro area, there is absolutely NOTHING. I drove through small Texan towns (Fairfield, TX, population 3,094), saw oil drills, and lots and lots of Texas longhorns.

About an hour and a half from Houston, the landscape really changed. Suddenly it was all big sky, but instead of the landscape just being green and brown, there was COLOR! I FOUND FALL IN TEXAS! The leaves were red, orange, and yellow- what a sight for sore eyes :).

I continued traveling through the cowfields, passed signs for "Cowboys for Christ" and the Cowboy Church, complete with a place to tie up your horse, and all of a sudden, like I was Dorothy making my way to Oz, Dallas appeared in front of me! Another 40 minutes and I was in Southlake, TX, where Kevin, Susan, and Conor live!

I got to see my Aunt Susan and her husband Jim as well, it was a great family reunion! After driving to Love Field to pick up my mom and dad, we all went out to a delicious authentic Mexican dinner and planned the next day's events.

It was so surreal to be with my parents in Dallas- it was great to be with them, but it felt so odd to be with them in Texas. I couldn't believe they were really here, but they were! Woohoo!

The next morning we went into the city of Dallas and did some sightseeing. We got to drive around the really wealthy neighborhoods of the city, saw SMU, and had an amazing lunch at the Oyster House, but the highlight of the day was when we went to the Sixth Floor Museum at the Texas Book Depository.

There was so much incredible history in that one building, and while it was pretty eerie to be standing in the room where Lee Harvey Oswalt allegedly shot JFK, it was so interesting! The exhibit was really crowded, but we still got to learn and see so much. As my mom said, you really leave with more questions than answers, and it's so incredible to me how little we still know about the events of that day 49 years later. We were there almost exactly on the anniversary, and the city is preparing for the 50th anniversary next year. We went and stood on the grassy knoll, saw where all the conspiracy theory guys sit and tell their stories, and the place between the trees from where people say they saw smoke coming after the assassination. He was so incredibly close to the end of the parade, which is even more heartbreaking!

I was completely fascinated by Jackie throughout all of the films and photos as well- she just kept going in spite of what had happened to her, getting off of Air Force One at Andrews Air Force Base with her blood-stained suit. She apparently got right to work on planning the funeral upon her return to DC, and remained strong in a time when most people would have fallen apart. I have always loved her sense of style and grace, and I can say now that I have even MORE respect and admiration for her after visiting Dallas.

That evening, we hung out in town square in Southlake, which was a lot of fun! It was finally seasonally appropriate weather in Texas- I was actually COLD! It was in the low 40s at night, and we walked around and shopped a bit before dinner. I have to admit that by that point I was suffering from a bit of culture shock- Southlake town square is beautiful, and full of high-end shops like Anthropologie and Lilly Pulitzer. I had a lot of fun shopping with my mom and Susan, but it was also a little weird- there were dresses that were 2 and a half times my stipend on the rack, and while I absolutely love those stores, it was a bit overwhelming.

There were SO many white people everywhere (myself included obviously, but as one of the other white teachers at school says, I sometimes have trouble remembering that I'm not Mexican), everything was clean and beautiful, and there was no sign of poverty anywhere. I realized that what was once my comfort zone had suddenly become uncomfortable to me, and smiled to myself as I remembered the JVC slogan: ruined for life.

Looking back on the past four months, I can absolutely say that I am ruined. I am so immersed in a place where I am face to face with poverty, injustice, and hunger each and every day. I can much more understand what it means to experience those things than I would have ever been able to before, and I'm comfortable in the uncomfort they cause- I am creating a change in the system, but in order to fight something, you have to know all about it. I now know poverty, and I'm ruined for life.

And I still have 8 months to go...

Thanks

So much has happened since I last posted that I feel the need to split it up into a few posts! So here's one on Thanksgiving, and look out for two more in the next few days about spending the weekend in Dallas and having family in Houston!



Thanksgiving in the JV house was completely different than any other Thanksgiving I've ever had, but it's definitely one I'll never forget.

At home, I am always woken up just before the Macy's parade begins, just in time to hear "Let's Have a Parade!" It's one of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving morning, as we watch the parade, have pancakes, and wait for Santa to arrive at Macy's. Usually while we are parade-watching, singing along to the musicals and getting filled in on celebrity happenings, we begin to decorate the house for Christmas! It's usually chilly outside, and around 2 or 3, we head over to Aunt Patsy's for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal.

This year, I woke up to my alarm at 9, and while I wanted to turn the parade on, there were people sleeping on the floor, strewn about the living room. The San Antonio JV house arrived on Wednesday night, and we had so much fun catching up with them and telling stories. I got up to start getting the kitchen ready for round 2- I had already cooked one turkey the night before, but there was still a lot to do before turkey #2 went in the oven! We had breakfast gathered around the TV and watched the parade while pies, cornbreads, and casseroles went in the oven.

The whole cooking process was a lot of work, but so much fun! Both turkeys turned out really well, as did the stuffing I made with my Nana's recipe! It was exhausting for sure, but we had a really lovely meal, and it was worth the work. We were able to enjoy spending time outside in our backyard- Thanksgiving under the palm trees, can you imagine?! It was a perfect day here in Texas, and while I was longing for home, I wouldn't want to have spent this Thanksgiving any other way.

I only felt it was appropriate to reflect a little bit about what I'm especially thankful for this year:

Music- I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get through this year without music. I am constantly listening to Pandora, iTunes, or Youtube. I can identify with many artists through the songs I'm listening to, and through singing, I am able to let myself go and relax.

Family- I miss my family so very much, but even 1500 miles away, they are so supportive of this crazy adventure I'm on. I can't wait to be reunited with everyone!

My wonderful boyfriend- I miss Tom so much, and he puts up with so much of my crazy, hectic teaching schedule! I know it's not easy to have any long-distance relationship, but between two busy, dedicated JVs, it's an extra challenge. I can't wait to see him again! It's less than a month :).

Cristo Rey Jesuit-  What an incredible community that I am so blessed to be a part of! This place challenges me in new ways every minute, but it has given me so much more than I could have asked for, and I'm only 4 months in. It will be very difficult to leave this place and these students.

My community- I absolutely couldn't do this without the five crazy, funny, outrageous and inspiring girls I live with. We're an odd bunch, but we work well together, and I know that we ended up in one house for a reason!

Friends- Friends at home and other places on the east coast (and abroad!), you mean the world to me. Thank you for the constant love, letters, texts, and cookies that come in the mail. I miss you all desperately, and I can't wait to see you over my Christmas vacation.

US Mail- Whether it's the jury duty notice that comes to my house that I need to fill out or the care package filled with fall treats or a Rita's Water Ice t-shirt, things that come in the Mail bring me so much joy. I also get so much joy from mailing letters and care packages! The US Mail rocks.

Let Us See God in All We Say and Do

Every afternoon at 4:00, when the final school bell rings, our campus minister comes on to say prayer. We always do some form of the examen, an Ignatian tradition. We are asked to think back over our day as if it was a movie, and notice our reaction to different events.

How did we feel when we woke up? What made us upset today? Where could we have done better? What was the best part of our day? Why?

While these are some heavy questions for 4:00 when really the only thing any of us want to do is get out of school, they have caused me to be much more reflective about my time here, which is definitely something I wanted to get out of this year. Mr. Martin ends each prayer with the phrase "let us see God in all we say and do."

This is something intrinsically Ignatian, the idea that we would want to see God in all we say and do. Part of Jesuit spirituality is finding God in everything, and in the past week or so, this idea has really sunk into my personal prayer life. I look to find God in every situation, whether it's a joyful moment filled with grace, or a frustrating or upsetting moment.

One of the Jesuit novices who has been spending time at CRJ told me something that has stuck with me over the past few days. An older Jesuit told it to him, and I think it's hilarious (and true): High school sophomores are Jesus Christ in His least recognizable form.

While I'm blessed enough to not teach any sophomores, I feel the same way sometimes about any given student. Difficult or frustrating interactions are a part of being a high school teacher, but it can be increasingly difficult to be simultaneously frustrated and find something sacred about a situation. Sometimes I am convinced that God is nowhere to be found in my 5th period class... but sometimes I am absolutely certain that I can feel His presence.

Remembering that God is in everything I say and do somehow is a relieving thought. When I'm anxious about something, I have been able to remember that God is with me, and I need to trust that He wouldn't lead me down a path I couldn't travel.

So as I prepare to spend my first Thanksgiving away from home, I'll remember that God is with me. I know He will be in our house filled with 18 JVs on Thursday, all sacrificing our family time to do His will. Happy almost-Thanksgiving, and let us see God in all we say and do.

This Girl is on Fire

 What a week! It was not only super productive, but I also did something I’ve never done before… I ran a 5K!

I have been working out the whole time I’ve been here, making the gym a priority when I can. I feel great, and I’m getting in much better shape! I really look forward to my gym time, if not only to catch up on my cable television. The greater Houston area YMCA is awesome, there are so many options for classes, and it’s just a really cool gym in general!

Megan, Karen, and I signed up for the 5K about a month ago, and we started trying to be very intentional about our training. I was really good about it for about two weeks, and then it slowly slipped away to the point that I hadn’t been to the gym in two weeks before last night. Oops. Life as a teacher just gets in the way!

We didn’t just run any 5K, it was a Color Run at night- this means that participants wear all white, and throughout the race, volunteers throw color powder on the runners, so your outfit is multicolored as you cross the finish line. We wore white t-shirts, and didn’t really have white bottoms to wear, so we made tutus to wear over our leggings. It was easy to keep track of each other with them, and they looked awesome by the end of the race!

We were so happy to be finished!

This was what we looked like before we left!

We had a very chill Friday and Saturday afternoon including lots of grading for Ms. Tully. I was very pleased to finish everything by Saturday morning, which meant that I could enjoy my Saturday evening and Sunday. I read a whole book over the course of the day, spent some time writing letters, and went to mass.

This week was productive for me in terms of schoolwork too, I’m lesson-planned through the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, and I’m hoping to be able to keep up the good pace and plan through the rest of the next week as well! It’s great to feel on top of my game. I finally found a balance for once, and I’m so happy about it!

I’m feeling in control of everything that I can be, and I’m super excited for what’s to come this week- including hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 18 people! We’re welcoming the other Houston house and the San Antonio community for Thanksgiving, and I’m so excited about it! I can’t wait to have everyone together to celebrate.

And if that’s not great enough, I get to see my family!!!!!!! Mom and Dad are flying to Dallas on Friday, where I will meet them and we’ll hang out with cousins Kevin, Susan, and Conor for the weekend. I’m so excited to see everyone, as well as to see a new part of Texas!

More exciting news: Ignatianlife.org read a submission that I sent them about some of my time here in Houston and liked it so much that they are going to publish it! It should be up soon, hopefully tonight or tomorrow. Go check it out- it’s the first of what I hope will be many opportunities for me to share my writing with bigger audiences.

We decided to road trip to Galveston on Thursday night... we went and sat on the beach for a while, looked at the stars, and made it home in time for bed at 10:30. We were so excited to see the beach!

Happy almost-Thanksgiving! Enjoy the music!

Baby, It's Cold Outside

So, while I'm slowly becoming more of a morning person, this morning was rough. In retrospect, it was great, but getting up this morning was very difficult.

Each morning, I start trying to get up at around 5:30. I usually lie in bed until 5:45, and in between I slowly poke one toe out from under the covers at a time, until eventually my whole leg is forced to face the cruel world outside my bed. This morning, as I was reluctantly beginning my whirlwind morning of getting to school by 6:40, and I stuck my toe out from the covers, I immediately rescinded it.

It. Was. FREEZING. Running through my head was the fact that not only did I not want to leave my warm cocoon, but wait.. I'm in Texas. Why am I cold? Wait... I'M COLD!!! IT'S FINALLY SEASONALLY APPROPRIATE WEATHER HERE! It only took until mid-November, but it was below 60! Yippee!

My delight was fleeting... the heat was not turned on in our house (it's Texas), so getting ready this morning was quite the Olympic sport. Once I pried myself from my bed, I ran (literally ran) into the kitchen with my handy dandy LLBean heating pad, threw it in the microwave, and turned the heat on. The thermostat was in "off" position, and read a chilly 58... oops. I grabbed my bathrobe, wrapped myself in it, and hopped from bathmat to bathmat to avoid the cold bathroom tile floor.

The combination of bathrobe and heating pad brought my body temperature back to normal, but I realized that the linen tunic and khakis that I had laid out for today probably wouldn't cut it... especially since this afternoon we have our first soccer game! My Catholic school instincts kicked in, and I went for tights, a skirt, and a sweater, combined with my standard Northface fleece.

I couldn't surrender the heating pad for my drive to school, it sat on my lap the whole drive. According to my iPhone, it was 45... hooray! I was worried that I was just a wimpy Texan and that my body had adjusted to the heat, but in fact, it's actually reasonable weather to feel cold in. Phew.

It then crossed my mind that as uncomfortable (and slightly gleeful) as I was to discover the change in the weather, I was able to fix it. I turned my heat on, and the house was warm by the time I left. Many of my students were met with the same shocking discovery of cold weather that I was this morning, but many of them weren't able to have the same quick fix that I had. They were cold this morning, and will continue to be throughout the season. While I'm living pretty simply, and in solidarity, I'm still exceptionally blessed and privileged.

So yes, I'm finally feeling fall weather- of course, on the day of our first soccer game! My Texan ladies will be a little chilly I believe, but I have confidence in the Lady Lions!

I Am Exactly Where I'm Meant to Be

I spent last night curled up in my PC sweatshirt drinking hot cocoa, and I knew in the moment that I was exactly where I was meant to be. And no, I did not give in to my temptation to retreat to the East Coast to watch the first snowfall of the year.

I was in the Cristo Rey Jesuit library for the school’s first “Student Union Night.” It’s a night where a section of the school is turned into a college-like student union, a place where the kids can hang out together, eat pizza, drink coffee, and work on their homework. What’s even better than most college student unions is that their teachers were there too to help them on the work they had assigned!

This night is a senior privilege, and most of the seniors came out. I was so happy to get the chance to hang out with the seniors and get to know them better, and while I don’t teach them, I was still able to help them work on papers that they had due. I also got to get closer to the girls on the soccer team that I’ve been assistant-coaching, which was really nice. They’re a lot of fun, and never fail to make me laugh!

Many of them have an 8-12 page paper due today, and many of them had between 3 and 5 pages written. In college, that would have been no problem- 2 or 3 hours of work more at the most. For these seniors, this is the longest paper they’ve had to write that wasn’t a final paper. Their teacher has very high expectations of them, and they were very overwhelmed. I was very happy to help calm their nerves, read what they had written so far, and give advice on how to continue.

Our spirituality night on Sunday was focused around a poem that Rachel shared with us that a friend of a friend had written. One of the lines really stuck out to me, and as I was curled in a chair drinking my hot cocoa discussing a paper with the seniors, I couldn’t help but remember it. 

“And the world steps in

to test the calm fluidity of your body

from moment to moment

as if it believed you could join its vibrant dance

of fire and calmness and final stillness

as if you were meant to be exactly where

you are.”

These past few weeks have been challenging. I am homesick, I am exhausted, and while I’ve had little breaks to catch up on my mental and physical health, I needed a reminder of why I was here. Tonight was that reminder for me.

So even though my hot cocoa was not accompanied by looking out at the newly fallen snow, I was at peace. I was looking at a room full of joyful, hilarious college-bound seniors whose lives I’m actually making a positive difference in. I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I Don't Go to Grad School

... but oh, am I learning.

This weekend, which was extremely relaxing and wonderful, I thought a lot about what I would have been doing if I wasn't a JV in Houston.

Honestly, I have no idea what that would be- I can't even picture it! I did think a lot about grad school, and it's still absolutely something that I want to pursue, but I want to have some real life experience first. I didn't want to spend my senior year of college or my JV year studying for the GREs and doing applications, and I'm really happy with that decision. While it's weird not being in school as a student, that changes nothing of the fact that I'm a lifelong learner, and I'm pretty sure that this is the best education I could have gotten this year.

What have I learned?

1. Teaching is really, really hard.
In fact, it might be the absolute hardest. This year is hands down the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm doing it, but it's exhausting. I am simply flabbergasted by the hard work of all of my teachers and professors, and while it's also exceedingly rewarding, it's so challenging to remain energetic and enthusiastic! Teachers have twice the homework, by the way. No one told me that. My time management and organization skills have improved so much in the past three months out of pure necessity!

2. I'm an East Coast girl at heart.
See previous post. When it's almost Thanksgiving and you're wearing shorts and flipflops, there is something wrong with the universe.


3. There is so much that I don't know and there are so many books that I haven't read.
I am constantly adding to my "to read" list. I may have a college degree, but I don't know a lot. Many students expect their teachers to know everything. Yikes. I want to learn about so many things!! Good thing I'm only 22.. but I know better than to think that I've got time. This requires action!

4. It's so important to do things that scare you.
If I didn't do anything that scared me, I wouldn't be here right now. I have learned so much from so many seemingly scary experiences, and as one of my favorite members of the wizarding world of Harry Potter tells me, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." I should have remembered that while I was without power...

5. I can get up really early if I have to.
This has more to do with priorities than anything. You always have time for things if you MAKE time for things- what you do is what you prioritize. I DO have time to go to the gym if I MAKE time to go to the gym. Which I am consistently making time to do, even though I am so sleepy because I get up early. It will be worth it in the end!

So while I don't go to grad school, I am learning. And I'm only 3 months in... a quarter of my way through my JV year! How time flies! 17 days until I get to hang out with my parents in Texas, and 47 until I hit the East Coast!

There's No Place Like Home

As usual, I'm inspired by my students to write another blog post! John's Hyphenated Americans class got me again, and I've had a few days to ruminate on this one particular topic. It's something that I have written and thought about quite a bit throughout the last four years, and I was really interested in the way that the seniors were discussing it.

Home, and location, are things that I am constantly thinking about in relation to my identity. John posed this question to his seniors: Does location have anything to do with identity?

I have been struggling to answer this question for the past five years. While I had traveled a lot over the years with my family, college was the first time I was really living somewhere else. College is obviously a time of self-discovery, and as I was in my search for truth at PC, I suddenly realized that a large part of the truth about who I am has to do with where I'm from and where I am.

I have realized over the past few years that you can take the girl out of Philly, but you can't take the Philly out of the girl. I have not stopped being a die-hard Phils phan, checking the KYW website for news, or reading Philly.com. I always refer to the Philadelphia area as home, and while Providence definitely became my second home over time, I could never abandon my first love.

Philly is the first city I fell in love with. As a kid, I lived for the days I'd spend in Manhattan, and while I still love New York, it just isn't the same. Philly has something indescribable about it- it's the feeling you get walking down Broad Street on a chilly December day on your way to go see the lights show at (formerly) Strawbridge's, or on a sweltering summer day walking through Old City. I have always marveled at the diversity of Philadelphia, and the pride that Philadelphians have in our home.

Most people say "water" like it has two o's and a d in the middle of it. I love that. We eat water ice, and I'm not talking about a glass of water with ice in it or Italian Ice- water ice is different, and it's awesome. We can absolutely trash talk any other city without honestly knowing very much about it, and we're proud of that. As I have found myself living in different cities with people from all over the country, I have become increasingly proud of that- and not at all remorseful.

We go down the shore, and while we don't actually live there, we feel like we do. This past week, I found myself distracted so much by all of the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy. So many people lost their homes, and I think we're all in a state of shock still... and everyone here kept on going like nothing happened. They're not connected to the East Coast.

I'm an East Coast girl for sure... living in Texas. It's a culture clash, which most often just leaves me laughing. I don't get Texas yet, and I'm ok with that. In time, maybe I will, but I know that the East Coast is always waiting for me. I miss East Coast cities, the pace at which we do things, and the appreciation for fall.

At school on Halloween, I wore a blue and white gingham dress and red high heels, and braided my hair, as a little homage to Dorothy. I realized how fitting that costume was for my general feeling- I know I'm doing good work, and I'm having fun, but there's no place like home.

So what does location have to do with identity? I think that when you're removed from your home, you get a better sense of how home is an integral part of your identity. I did, and continue to understand just how much I love all the Philadelphia/East Coast things about me. It makes you more fully aware of who you are. Location and identity are definitely linked. East Coast, I'll see you in seven weeks from today!

My dad gave me these ruby slippers to remind me that there's no place like home right before he left. I love them!

 

On Saturday night, we went out in the Montrose neighborhood of Houston. I scrapped my Mary Poppins idea in honor of Frauline Maria... I have confidence!

We carved pumpkins on Halloween night... I wanted to try to make it feel like fall!